Despair

I hate my job. I’ve said that so many times in my life at different places that the phrase should be meaningless. Yet here I go again, hating my job and thinking it means something. I have been having trouble sleeping at night, and I get just plain angry over nothing, and no amount of reassurance makes the anger go away. I’m afraid I’m skirting the edge of depression, and no amount of trying to re-align my thinking helps. I fear pills, I was on them once and it was the worst experience of my life. Oh, it probably saved me, but it also hurt me a lot, tolerating the toxic situation because the doc prescribed me some feel good pills instead of saying “You need to make a change.”

And here I am, not even in the worst situation I’ve been in, and I can’t stop thinking of how unhappy I am. I’m certain it’s because I tie up my identity in my work, and when I can’t excel, when I can’t achieve or move forward, when every project that comes my way is a train wreck before I’m even assigned, I lose my mind. I’m bored out of my mind. I resent everything about what I do because I’m not allowed to take pride in my work, instead churning out garbage.

And the thing is, it isn’t so bad where I am. If I were just a slacker that needed a paycheck, I’d do fine. I tell myself all the time that at least I’m there with people I like and getting paid. But I can’t talk myself out of feeling like shit every single day. I know it doesn’t help that there are just NO JOBS right now. The few I’ve seen and applied for have failed to get back to me. One head hunter contacted me, but he was looking to hire me for my job!

I’m not sure why I am writing this. Maybe getting it “out” will help? Probably not, self pity rarely does. I just need to stick my chin up and keep going.

And kick Jim in the balls.

Fuck all you tall people

I’m sick of all you tall people ruining it for us short people.

I needed a new computer chair. My chair of 10 years finally started to die. One arm fell at a 45 degree angle from the side, and just the other day, the back snapped when I was leaning back. So, despite being well worn and well loved, it was time for a new chair.

I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. But then I start looking, and I noticed one thing in common. None of them seem to go low enough. What. The. Motherfucking Fuck? My chair is just perfect, but all these chairs are so high.

I pick one out, one that seems to go the lowest. Its not perfect, but its a chair. I excitedly wait for my husband to assemble it, only to discover its 4 full inches higher than my old chair. Look, I know I’m short, okay, but I’m not the only one. What makes matters worse, it seems like there are no short people chairs anymore. I need something with¬† a 14″ height. But strangely, every job has always had ones that go that low. Usually the older chairs. So I surmise this is a change that has only come about in the past few years.¬† Oh, they have big and tall chair sections, but none for us small folk.

To make matters worse, my old chair is now disassembled (a failed attempt to make a franken chair to suit my needs.) And office depot won’t take returns on chairs that are assembled. but did I mention its impossible to take the base off once its on? And this goddamn chair is so uncomfortable. Sitting in the chair for 1 minute in the store it seemed fine. 20 minutes at my desk and I’m feeling all sorts of fatigue.